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I know what you’re thinking. I know that you think I’m failing for trope, a truism, an urban myth. That ‘in this busy modern world, we don’t have time to listen anymore, what with the smartphones, the social media, yadda yadda, back in the good old days yadda yadda…’. Well I’m not. Well, maybe a little. As a group, people are okay listeners, but I’m pretty certain very very few of us are naturally great at it, and we could all get a little better at it.

Listening is a skill, not a talent.

Listening is a skill, good listening is an art form, and yes, I’ve seen amazing listeners listen, and I’ve admired them for the craftsmanship, like watching a skilled potter at a spinning potter’s wheel. Am I waxing too lyrical? Is this a basic human condition that everyone does, and next I’m going to describing people as good breathers? Maybe, but not really.

If you need further convincing, ask yourself, can you think of a bad listener- if you need a prompt, maybe one of your parents (or is that a cheap trick on my part?). Now can you think of a good listener- a patient coach, a mentor? If you’ve ever found yourself talking more to a person, chances are they are good listener.

Why listening is an important skill for HR

I recently heard on the best professional compliments I’ve ever heard. A colleague was described as ‘quick to listen, slow to respond’. I’m going to break down why this is such an important compliment, but if you have compliment to aspire to, this is one of them.

Humans are natural problem solvers. Everyone has an opinion, a preference, a possible solution, at least a perspective on a situation. Anytime you are discussing a matter with someone else that needs a decision (pay increases, disciplinary actions, candidate shortlists, training courses, so on and so forth), they will have an opinion, or a perspective on the facts, the problem, the priorities, the solution, or all of the above.

People don’t have to be right, but they want to be heard. Managers, colleagues, reports, your boss, and others will interact with you, from which a decision needs to be made, a course of action to be decided. Your role may range from being the decision maker, an opinion provider, or an approver. Most of the time, taking the time to hear all the facts, all the opinions, any decisions already made, gets everyone to a collective consensus that they are comfortable, and so long as they were heard, they will go along with the consensus.

When to listen until

This is the most important thing to learn. paying attention? good.

Listening is about keeping your mind open to what they are saying. And keeping it open until they have said all they want to say. Not until you’ve had an idea, formed an opinion, or something has occurred to you. Until they have stopped saying everything they need to say. Listening is letting them drive the conversation, until they have got to where they are going.

When is that? The most important signal is tone of voice; people generally have ‘concluding’ tone their voice- they slow down, lower the volume, repeat themselves in parts, generally lose momentum. They may keep talking, but they’ve said what they need to say. If you’ve not heard this, then they had more to say.

Another key sign is if new information is coming about later. If you’ve started taking your turn to speak, but more information, opinion or perspectives is coming from the other party, this is a clear sign you didn’t listen enough.

How to tell if you didn’t listen

I’m good at listening, but I’m not perfect. Like everyone, give me a puzzle and I will try and solve it; to convert state on broken to a state of fixed. Sometimes I’m too quick, and I’ll jump the gun to solve it; so will you, so don’t worry about it, we all make small errors now and then. You didn’t listen enough if you’re only talking about about 80% of what they had to say.

Listening = hearing them.

It’s important when working with someone to hear them. The worst thing to do is not hear them. This sounds easy, but it’s hard to do. Listening is both being passive (being quiet while they talking) and active (asking enquiring questions to draw facts and thoughts). The key part is listening until they have said what they want to say. Listening isn’t just shutting up while someone else is talking, but it’s engaging with their brain and getting their thoughts out of their brain and into yours. So that can require some probing questions- how, who, when, where, do we know why and so forth.

And never look at your phone or computer. Multi-tasking is a myth, you cannot read and listen-they are the same neural pathways. If you’re reading, you’re not listening.

ONE way to be a better listener: y+x+1

So here’s a simple three step process. First, let them talk- let them say what they want to say. Most people will have pre-thought what they will say, so let them run through their script.

Second, ask questions. I was trained to ask probing questions, and this has always stood me in good stead. As you listen, questions should be arising in your brain; who said what, where were they, was there a witness, what was the elephant doing there?- ask these questions- they will know things that they’ve not said, or there will be relevant information that hasn’t been gathered, but now we know what we don’t know.

the +1

Finally, and this is the ‘+1’, ask a closing question. I have a few versions of this, but the objective is ‘what is closing position?’ My versions are ‘what do you want?’ ‘What is your happy place?’ ‘What do you want me to know?’ what do you think we should do?

This is the wrap up question, the closing answer. they may not have an answer, which is fine- you’ve pretty much heard all they have to say. Sometimes you will need to cut someone off- yes, there is such a thing as too much listening, because some people talk too much. If you need to get to the conclusion, the wrap up question is a good tool to get there- they’ve been heard, but now they need to end their turn.

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The lost art of listening